I had therapy today and left feeling both drained and restored. My eyes feel tired all day after a session like that and if I don’t shower, I feel the dried tear tightness on my skin all day- like little reminders.   This therapy allows me to uncover the locked-up stuff, put it on the table, (see last post on Facing Shit and Healing)  and make more sense of what I uncover. It’s an experiential approach, and that’s what I need-to feel the things, free them up, let them go or shift them around in a way that brings me more peace.

When I was first interested in psychology, I had the illusion that there was a set of answers that therapists were given- how to be happy, navigate relationships, and all of life’s problems. Of course, I wanted to sign up for that. Plus, my therapist in high school drove a Mercedes, so I thought I would be rich too. I don’t know what I’m more disappointed about. 

What I have come to find out is in order to heal, one has to have an embodied experience to find their answer. I can’t take your answers as truth or right for me. Listening to wisdom of others does have it’s value. But nothing is as right as what comes from within. Thus, no answer key exists. 

During today’s therapy session, I had the experience of encountering what I metaphorically refer to as “my big, orange sun” within myself. Don’t worry, let me assure you, I’m not suffering from multiple personalities. My specialized training in Ego State Therapy*, also known as “parts work,” guides me in organizing my inner landscape in this way. This therapeutic approach involves processing conflicting perspectives within oneself. By symbolically representing different “parts of self,” individuals can gain insight, empathy, and establish communication channels among their various aspects. Within us all lie both helpful and problematic parts, each with its unique motivations and concerns that warrant attention and understanding for personal growth.

My sun part emerged to represent a part of me that helps me to feel, know and stay in contact with what matters most. My therapist asked me to hold the part of me that knows what matters most along with the the small, scared and reactive part. When I put them side by side in my mind’s eye, the warmth of the expansive sun me enveloped the small me. It brought the scared me close in as if to say:  “There there, you’re ok. You’re trying so hard to protect. I got you and we got this.” That felt good and right and like I had a plan.

How did I get this part? Where did he come from? Having experienced hurt, having struggled, having transcended struggle in my own life as well as bearing witness to profound growth and healing in my clients, all have allowed me to have a warm sun part. My sun is like the lotus grown out of the mud. It needed the mud to become.  And now that I’ve met the part of myself, felt his presence and glow, I have an avenue back to this warmth when I need it. When I close my eyes and see that color of light that comes through as a yellow orange splotch of anti shadow, it’s that close. I won’t always feel it, but I know my way there.

So this is the softest part of grit, and grit would be garbage if it weren’t here. It’s not always about fighting and grinding and aggression to get what we want (that is how reactive , small me sought to protect)  There’s power in knowing the truth for yourself- clarity on what matters most while others are lost in tiny little nonsense.  There’s power in being soft and warm- it’s the most power I want to cultivate.The most enduring part of me is this soft, warm sun inside, And when I have this, I can recover from anything.

My sun is my inner resource that I can always have close by. What inner resources do you have or do you want to have? See if you can find your warm sun guy inside. Don’t worry, you can create it if you can’t think of one. It takes a bit of courage and getting over yourself to try.  What can you imagine that makes you feel connected to what matters most? If the answer doesn’t come easily, don’t judge or give up. You may need some help to find it. 

*Ego state therapy is a psychotherapeutic approach rooted in understanding the different aspects of an individual’s personality, often referred to as ego states. These ego states represent distinct patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that develop over time as a result of past experiences and interactions. The therapy aims to identify and work with these ego states to promote healing and integration. Through techniques such as guided imagery, visualization, and dialogue, therapists help clients explore and understand the roles and functions of their various ego states. By fostering communication and cooperation among these states, individuals can gain insight into their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, leading to greater self-awareness and psychological well-being. Ultimately, ego state therapy seeks to facilitate harmony and balance within the psyche, enabling clients to navigate life’s challenges more effectively and authentically.